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Season's Greetings and Holiday Sneer Don't get me wrong; the Baby Jesus is clearly the cutest mythological deity, but spending a whole month listening to people pretend to give a shit takes a toll on me. I'm not usually so grumpy, but this time of year sucks ass when you are single; you have extra time off work, but everyone you know is spending time with their family. Something about putting peace and happiness on the calendar offends my sense of honesty. It's probably too cold to do much outside; and you'd have to be borderline psychotic (or just a masochist) to go anywhere near a store for the next two weeks, so what is there to do? Nothing, but to sit at home ingesting bong hits and Ben Jerry's, burning through whatever is left on the DVR that hasn't been watched already. This is great fun for about the first sixteen hours, then the diminishing returns set in. By new year's eve It's downright abysmal. Is there anything more depressing than sitting at home alone watching the shiny object drop at midnight?
Does anyone else hate the lights, the music, the trees, the music, the bells, the music, the antlers on cars (When the fuck did this start? Is this a secret society of middle-aged women who love Christmas even more than your average middle-aged woman?) Do you oscillate, when stuck on the highway behind a minivan with two different cartoons playing in the back of the headrests, a set of antlers and a silhouetted sports decal with their kid's name under it, between vague thoughts of jealousy and vehicular homicide? I'm not normally like this.
Am I being unreasonable? Does anyone else get the urge to commit seppuku when you hear Boy George singing "...and there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas"? Am I weird for wondering whether that last question mark is incorrectly placed, directly following a quotation mark? The text inside the quotes isn't a question, so I can't put it there, but it just looks wrong the way it is, no? This is trivial, but It's much more interesting than Christmas.
Clearly the grinchiness has set in already. It used to not be as bad, back when Christmas started in mid-December. Now Christmas starts right after Halloween and you can't escape it, even in a smokey white-trash, biker dive bar; where each table has been tragiy infiltrated by a tiny plastic tree. The only true refuge is at home, with the TV, computer and off; hunkered down with a book, a bong and a bottle. This is such bullshit; this is the stuff of revolutions my friends.
As crunch time approaches, I have room in my bunker for one like-minded individual.
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