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You have led so much of your life being told that it is bad to be selfish.
I know because I see the same things from my past in our conversation.
Please ask yourself to consider doing something nice for yourself. My bet
is that you are reluctant to buy yourself new clothes, you have a few pairs
of shoes that get extremely worn out before you buy new ones. You've
probably only ever had a facial or a spa day related to your own or someone
else's wedding. You're grateful for what you have but you're modest.
I really would like to keep talking but if nothing else, buy yourself
something nice. You earned it AND you deserve to have nice things in life.
It sucks to live with guilt, I've done it. But try and analyze why you feel
guilty. The root cause of that guilt is probably some parent or spouse
accosting you for being selfish.
Doing things for yourself is not a bad thing. Being where you are with your
marriage and state of mind, if you don't do something for yourself, you're
going to go nuts. Consider it a prescription from your doctor for mental
health.
Don't stop talking, it is helping you.